Election 2016: Questions for the Candidates

Like many Americans, I am bewildered by the 2016 edition of the Presidential bake-off. So confused that last Tuesday as my fellow Illinoisans went to the polls I missed an election for the first time in memeory.  I mean any election, as in local, primary, mayoral; I vote them all.

I know this because my reward for such diligence (along with a few minuscule contributions over the years) is the ritual avalanche of pre-recorded calls, polls, and campaign spam I am blessed with in the run-up to each new contest.

It’s not that I didn’t plan on voting, and in my defense, my truancy was aided by a late and long evening in the ER the previous night. But upon returning home at 4 am, I decided that my only objectives for the day were to make sure the kids got to school, and that I made it out to vote.

The kids made it to school.

I guess I couldn’t make up my mind on who to vote for.

Though I didn’t make it to the polls for the primary day, I would still like to pick a horse. As such, I have some questions for the remaining candidates.

Mr Donald J. Trump:

Are you crazy like a fox, or crazy as in the bat shit variety?

Or am I the crazy one? Perhaps just a touch manic. One day I am watching you with a sense of

Charlie Sheen “Tiger Blood” Dejavue and the next, I am measuring my hat size so I can give the next Bernie supporter I see a “Make America Great Again” wink and smile. And to paraphrase George Carlin, I can spot Bernie voters just by looking at them.

I am  of the opinion that a Trump Presidency would not be as scary and chaotic as the public seems to think. The keyword here is opinion, and if I am wrong, I am really wrong. In finance/investment terms, we call this a high-volatility play.

I really don’t want to be wrong on this one.

Ted Cruz:

Why didn’t I go out and vote for you?

On paper, you are my closest match. I know you said yourself you are probably not the candidate one would like to have a beer with. But the thing is I don’t want to have a beer with you. I would simply like myself to want to vote for you.

Perhaps it is because I know that while the “well pressed ,dry cleaned shift managing elite”  (you will have to make it to about the 2:15 mark to get the reference) might broker a convention win for you, that very same elite would tear you to shreds in the general election. To the point that Michael Dukakis will seem masculine in comparison.

John Kasich:

Have you already cut a deal with Donald Trump? Despite your pleas to the contrary, it is the only explanation for you remaining in the race now that the shift managing elite no longer have a use for you.

 Bernie Sanders:

Sorry, Bernie, I don’t want to have a beer with you either.

Hillary Clinton:

If you do not win the Presidency, will you spend your retired life trading commodities futures? 

If so, can I open up an account with you?

Marco Rubio:

You didn’t even make it to Illinois so you shouldn’t be included, but seeing as how you were the guy I was most likely to vote for I do have one question:

What the hell happened?

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